Putting it out there

So I'm debating whether or not I want to write this. This may be better in my journal than on this blog...Hmm.

But I guess it's good to be real, right?? I hope so...

I guess I'll start off with the fact that I have an incredible son. He is so sweet and caring with such a big heart. He's appreciative and grateful. He's smart. I know people often use the phrase "too smart for their own good" but in this case, I would say it is completely accurate. He is very smart but I'm just not sure his little brain and body are able to handle some of the things he already has learned. Let's add in the fact that he is just a 6 year old boy and many of us know how 6 year old boys can be. He's a little rambunctious and struggles with self control. Is he mean or aggressive? NO WAY! He's very sweet and kind  but he struggles to sit still or maintain focus. He forgets what he is supposed to be doing or even what the rules are. And he likes to move!!! This takes place mostly when he's with other kids, or people. It's like something clicks in his brain when another person enters his vicinity that is not immediate family.

We've tried helping him a lot by changing his diet, playing games that help the brain learn to focus, being very firm, and other things too. My sister once thought I would even go to measures of tracking the moon. :) I'm desperate but I'm not sure that I'm that desperate. You never know though.

It's hard for me because he is such a sweet awesome kid and I worry others won't see it because he does have this one thing that seems to get in the way.

Tonight, I was reminded of his struggles. After a nice long break and not having any of this surface, it can be hard to deal with again. But I am a more confident mama than I have been in dealing with this in the past. I know how amazing my son is and it does not matter to me if others don't see it yet. I know that it will come because you cannot truly know him without seeing it.

We have been considering boy scouts for him. He already does awana and gymnastics and I fear putting any kid in too many activities but especially him. I do not want to overwhelm him or in any way make him feel bad about himself. So as I was pondering this tonight, I was wishing I just had a friend that could relate. A friend I could lean on or that could offer advice.

And then God reminded me that I should be depending on Him. He is willing to be my friend when I need it and even when I think I don't. So instead of racking my brain for people who could relate and offer advice, I sent up a prayer. And I will continue to do so everyday for my sweet boy. But not just them, for my little ladies too! My middle struggles to open up to people (which I can completely understand) and my youngest struggles to even leave my side. We all have imperfections. So as the kids and I were praying tonight and asking God to help us with our challenges we discussed that we will always have challenges. This doesn't mean that anything is wrong or bad, right? It's just part of being human.

I'm finally learning to accept that. That has been my biggest challenge...that it is OKAY to be human and not perfect. So here I am, putting my weakness out there. I often struggle to think I am not good enough or that something is wrong with me. It's shame that I feel for not being a better person, friend, wife, mother, daughter, or anything I can be. I explained to the kids that this is something I struggle with and I shared because I always want them to know that I am human too. I never want them to feel that I expect them to be perfect because I, myself, as hard as it is for me...am not perfect either.

So as a mom who deals with this struggle of needing to "present myself as perfect" also needs to know that my children are their own people. I think some of the hardest parts of raising kids for me, is that they are a reflection of me. So if they are not being "perfect" around others, I take it as a reflection of me and of course that I am not perfect.

So I am learning that my babies are "perfect" just the way they are and I am too. That they may have areas of growth but we all do. I am learning to appreciate these things about them because I know that as I continue to watch these traits mature, grow, and develop...they will become incredible thing in my children. These things will begin to make a lot more sense. I just need to remind myself to depend on God and know that He knows what He is doing. He made my babies the way they are...for GOOD reason. I am simply here to help guide and grow them. But MOSTLY to LOVE them (just the way they are)!!